Overflow Thoughts

8-29-2018
After two months of gathering stuff for a big 45th birthday party for Bo the day of the party I became very frustrated.  I felt all my work was being rejected.  Arlene had come in to help because both Sossity and I were having back and leg issues.  I felt angry that every suggestion I made was rejected by Arlene.  After all this is a party I am helping pay for and throw.  It even felt that Sos was pushing me away from the decorating.  Just fill the bottles, get the cake, do something with the table decorations.  As Momma would do my hurt became anger.  Again I had failed to remember this was not about me.  And yet even 5 days later and anger abated I reflect on why is it not about my wishes in some ways?  It is my son, it was a ton of our $$$. Why does Arlene think she should have veto power? Every time.  Even for our anniversary.  This is one of the times that abuse rears its ugly remnants.  Not properly handing situations.  Being defensive.  Feeling sorry for myself.  You would think that at almost 72 years old I would have this figured out by now. 

2/28/2017
There is no sanity in the US any more.  Now it is more important for gun owners to carry loaded weapons where ever they want across state lines than for states to recognize each other drivers licensing departments.  What the fucking hell?

11/21/2016
All faith is gone in a system of anything.  I did not decorate for Halloween nor Thanksgiving.  Have no desire to do anything Christmassey.  Pretty sure this is depression.  Why do any of the decor.  There is only Gene and I as no one else will be around.  I have no energy to do more than just the required steps each day.  Last night I rode the bike for 22 minutes.  Now the tissues around my knee are really sore again.  I cannot seem to find the right balance to keep the discomfort in control.  Then there is Gene's eyes and teeth.  I encouraged him to get the eyes corrected for safety sake.  Good choice.  Now another tooth has fallen out of his head.  An implant will cost over 2500.  And he has a big chip out of one of his front teeth.  The money is tight and expenses just keep going up.  I do not want to go to Dallas for Thanksgiving.  I really do not want to go to Oklahoma for Christmas.  I want to stay in my chair or bed and just stare at nothing.  Still cannot believe the direction the country is going.  Bigots and racists rule.  People are defending them as being what will make America great again.  The orange idiot said he knew more about Isis than the generals.  Out. Loud.  He said he knew more than anybody about Isis.  Stupidity reigns.  I do not even want to get out of bed.  There is no joy left in this life right now.

11/9/2016
I am just so full of disgust over this election.  I detest everything the president elect stands for to the world in general.  That bully, ugly American image.  I was equally certain that Ms. Clinton with all the political baggage, etc. would be defeated.  Too many people hate her.  I mean hate any and every single thing she has touched.  I had people praying for me 'to see the light' because I was working to get her elected.  Well, I shall just sit back and see how President-Elect Trump makes America great again.  I am still trying to figure out how he, who uses China for all his materials is going to bring jobs back.....  time will tell.

But for today all I can think is WTF, WTF WTF......


5/14/2016
Well, this has been an exercise day, leg weights while doing the leg lifts in all different directions.  Also, spent a couple of hours on the patio working on the worm farm and trimming the trumpet vine.  Had just finished scrubbing the area under the worm farm and picking up when it started to sprinkle.  Then the skies broke loose on and off the rest of the afternoon.

After sitting and working on pictures and blogging, I prepared dinner.  Sat back down and iced the knee again.  It is sort of like having to start over with the rehab as the muscles were really painful after the trip.  I could hardly stand to lift my leg into bed the pain was so bad.  It has been a month since we returned, and two weeks since our company left.  Alternating rest and exercise seems to be working to regain strength and reduce the pain episodes.

In addition to feeling better, I am able to keep up with housework easier each day.  It is really hard to remember that pacing is still very important.  Let us see if I can finish another day's post about our cruise.  go me.


5/8/2016

45°36'31.4"N 18°45'16.2"E

 Where we visited the young lady's home in Croatia.

4/28/2016
Today is my sister's 76th birthday.  How did this get here so quickly?  Surely do love and appreciate my three sisters.  Shared love, shared experiences, shared parents and grandparents.  I did not fee up to a trip to Oklahoma with my two sisters that live in Texas to visit #2 sister on this day of her birth.  Maybe next year.

As I sit here still a little tired after a whirlwind of a year and 2 months.  Three major trips in 11 months following Mom's death.  Major surgery, two falls where stitches were on my head.  Two class reunions that required a 200 mile trip each way.  Big Thanksgiving celebrations.  Christmas and Thanksgiving each great fun but still each another 200 mile round trip.  Yep, I feel a little like Dorothy in the tornado.  And this morning I awakened at Auntie Em's.  With a headache.  Just gonna have a calm day today and share how grateful I am for God's love and support.  Today's devotional's Biblical reference is Luke 6:7-23.  Verse 6:19, "And all in the crowd were trying to touch him, for power came out from him and healed all of them" spoke to me.  Christ's love is so strong that it heals.  God was in control of my knee replacement from beginning to end.  I still have a way to go before it is as strong as I want it to be.  Healing love and power surround me.


2/9/2015  It has been over a year since there were overflow thoughts.  Either I haven't been thinking much or more likely all was said on the two blogs I now have.  But to lose one's last parent, well it seems there must be more to say.  I feel so very relieved.  The need to do my part toward Mom's care seemed to always be there in the background.  Of course that was nothing in comparison to what my youngest sister had.  She has spent the last 25 years helping our aging parents with everything from doctors appointments to dealing with the termite insurance.  Sis helped through Daddy's quadruple bypass surgery when Dad was 75.  That was 26 years ago.  Her youngest child was not even born at that time..  Dad had both knees replaced at the same time when he was 84.  He had many medical problems requiring us to help do what we girls could but the majority fell into Sister's lap once Mom could not handle things.  Mom had a hip replacement before Dad died.  A few months after Dad's death, Sister had to take Mom to the hospital.  That required stints to deal with clogged arteries.  Mom fell and broke her wrist about 5 years ago.  Again Sister was dealing with all the issues.  When Mom had to give up driving Sister was responsible for all the transportation for Mom.  The last four years became increasingly demanding.  Help came from a part time companion for Mom.

1/29/14  No bullet list of activities for this day.  Three months since overflow thoughts.  Maybe it is just I am finally having time to record them.  But really since the first of the year I have really been working at staying in neutral for awhile.  Yesterday Gene and I discussed how demanding the past 2 1/2 years have been.  We are ready for down time just to sort of get recentered.  When we get ourselves back to church I must not over commit myself and in the process, Gene.

I look at pictures of the place in Springfield and have no regrets.  I was a driven individual when I developed the garden.  I am no longer driven by those demons, thankfully, and find no need to excel in all things .  As a matter of fact I hardly even drive an automobile anymore.  Just no reason to drive any more.  Gene and I go together almost every where and he loves to drive his Jeep.  I am content in just riding along.

We are spending a lot of time surfing the net, etc.  We only have an antenna by choice so no reruns on multiple cable channels.  The series of cold fronts have cause enough aches and pains that on warm days before storms we are hurting too much to work.  And when it is 40 degrees in the halls and storage rooms I do not want to be out there sorting stuff.  It will get done eventually.  I am ready to start some sewing and scanning.  The scanning will reduce the stacks in storage, too.  Gotta find the scanner first!

Many friends have mentioned over the years that I should write a book.  I do not see my talent being a book length story.  Possibly poems and prose?  I just cannot imagine having the follow through to complete a book.  When I write it is more what is in my mind and heart at the time than some sort of plan.  Time will tell if this is something I am supposed to do.  That is about all of the overflow I have today.
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10/29/13 This is the long version of the bullet list for the day

These folks are fast.  Arrived just after 8 AM.  And they are down to the last few things in the kitchen and a little in the garage.  It is 1:40 PM and they stopped for lunch.  I am tired just watching.  By 2:45 they were done.  And anything left in their sight is now packed.  Nothing.  And the liquid items I had neatly placed in a plastic container to carry in my car are sitting on the cabinet.  The plastic container is packed somewhere.  Husband at my instruction had unpacked a small set of tools I had not hidden in our closet as the off limits place.  After the packers left he went to get some tools.  The set is nowhere in sight.  Oops, should have been in the off limits trailer!!!

There are still things we need to do.  I will attempt between rain showers to get the pots and special rocks into the garage to dry before loading tomorrow.  Oh, and there is still the fridge and microwave to get cleaned for the new owners.  And I need to find some plastic something to put all the liquid eatables in now that the plastic thing is packed.  Please, note, this is not a complaint.  This is a for what it is worth for anyone else planning to have someone move them.  Labels on items not to be packed would have been a great idea.  Yes, Martha, the pack was on your list, I just was one line above it when the packers arrived.

I messed up by letting almost all the cooking gear get packed.  I did grab a skillet and a couple of corning small dishes.  We had really tried hard to get all the food used up out of our freezers before the move.  Four bags of frozen veggies, cheeses, port chops and pinto beans went to Sharon.  It was the least we could do as she practically fed Husband the entire time I was in Texas.  But she did not want the chicken legs that were thawing.  Tonight I cooked the legs in a skillet with paper plates as a lid.  No forks or turning instruments available.  Thank goodness I had convinced Husband to get down the picnic basket.  It had a knife, 6 spoons, a Ronald McDonald plastic plate and not much else.  Have you ever tried to turn chicken legs with a spoon?

Husband in now completely worn down to a nub with all the walking and standing.  The gloomy weather makes his mood even more morose.  I think he is missing his flying bat for Halloween.  It is sort of hard to describe the feelings I am having.  Somewhere between just ready for it to be finished, flat out not believing it is really happening to wondering what the heck ever possessed me to go through this mania.  And Husband noted today he is feeling really melancholy about leaving.  Well, we both need to get our big kid pants on and get over it all.  Of course that will require finding said big kid pants.

10/26/13  1 AM and I do not want to go to bed.  I just want to escape into the computer.  During the time I was hoping to just chill over the next few days really need to be spent working on more stuff for my family.  I am a mean spirited person tonight.  Really fearful of what awaits at the other end of this road back to TX.  Certainly no welcoming arms of grandsons.  And Mom's attitude continues to be in the negative zone.  And Edna's move will be challenging at the very best.  Gene is putting up with a lot to try to give me something I have wanted for several years.  The opportunity to live closer to my side of the family.  I am a mean and selfish person....

9/16/13  As a long time person of faith sometimes it becomes difficult to understand why I cannot see clearly God's purpose in my everyday life.  Today's walk to stay within the Creator's path.  Some days to call it the path of righteousness is way too general for me to get a good sense of today's task.  Guess that is why I love lists.  A devotion I read today reminded me to surround myself with Godly thoughts and people.  That as a long time person of faith, to be responsible for discerning for myself knowing full well that the walk is not alone.

9/14/13  I want to look like this person or any of the other beautiful women from the times of my childhood.  I will need to lose about a thousand pounds, dye my hair, get multiple plastic surgeries and probably have a few ribs removed.  Heck, think I'll just look at pictures and forget about the image in the mirror.

9/8/13  Back home, no more trips(hopefully) for a while and it is Sunday evening.  I am feeling at loose ends.  While Gene and I attempt to reenter life as usual, we are finding it challenging.  So a quick list to recount the last six months:

• March 9-27 trip to Disney World and back through Louisana and New Orleans
• Lead up prep and completion of April 20 spa for battered women as part of Mission Blitz.
• Coordinating the planning, decorating, food prep, program and enjoyment of May 4 Spring Fling.
• May 8, first meeting with realtors.  To first get our heads wrapped around relocating to Texas was challenging enough.  Decluttering the house in preparation for placing on the market was exhausting.  The back yard had to made show ready, also.  That included a complete rebuild of the water feature stream and pond.
• May ? Sissy calls and Mom is too weak to walk
• Mom admitted with severe UTI and hip issues
• Meets Dr. Harewagan and is scheduled for hip surgery June 7
• Is transferred to rehab facility for UTI treatment in prep for surgery 
• June 6, 2:00 pm I fly out to Texas for Mom's hip surgery and rehab leaving Gene to complete preparations for the June 8 open house.
• June 10 - 24 live at Sissy's house 
• Rotate shifts with Sissy in care of Mom in rehab.  
• Support Sister in her quest to get an assisted living facility for Mom.  
• On my own from June 20 -24 attempting to gather needed items for Mom's relocation.  Side note:  
• Mom has now rejected all items she selected causing Arlene to have multiple returns.  Frustrating for Sissy.  Waste of time for us.
• Back in Missouri, Gene falls
• Skins hands and knee
• Scratches glasses
• June 25 return home with John Roger, Middle and Youngest grandsons.  Enjoy them and are joined by Oldest on Friday night.  
• July 1, home with no guests nor plans.  Rest for a few days.
• July 4th gathering with friends.
• July 5 - 12  
• Lots of rocks, dirt and other crap dug, sorted and moved.
• Grass planted in 3 new areas.
• Brick patio laid in knot garden.  
• Last of outdoor work completed 6:30 AM, Saturday
• House vacuumed, dusted and prepped for open house on July 14.  
• July 13, 2:00 PM We drive away from our house heading for Texas dragging a trailer.  
• Arrive just before midnight.
• Living in Sissy's house, again.
• July 14, 10:00 AM, begin work on cleaning our Mom's independent living apartment.  
• Work daily sorting and dividing Mom's treasures.
• Sisters working rotate working as family needs dictate.
• Family members drop by to get their 'treasures'.
• July 19 & 20 hold a "garage sale and say bye to Mary day".
• Gene brings trailer to apartment.
• Sissy and Gene haul away trash including 55 year old mattress and box spring
• Next day, donations are taken for donation.
• Next day sleeper sofa loaded for consignment store.
• Gene's glasses fall off and shatter
• July 24 while working at apartment, receive call that Gene's Mom is is serious pain and is hospitalized.
• July 25 evening after loading trailer with stuff to take to Sissy's receive call Gene's Mom is gravely ill.
• July 26 6:30 AM we finish loading the trailer in a pouring rain.
• After a shower and breakfast we head for home.  
• Arrive in Aurora and go to hospital.
• Gene finds his Mom sitting up, smiling and "fiesty" per the nurses.
• We head on to Springfield in a state of bewilderment.
• July 27-29
• Kenneth is in to see his Mom before she dies.  Only she is not dying.
• Sunday, guys spend several hours watching their Mom be in a non-responsive state.  Give up and drive back to Springfield.
• Manor calls around 5 and she is up.  Kenneth rushes back and sits with her through dinner.  She is asleep within 10 minutes of returning to room.
• July 30, we rest for a couple of days, again.  Sort of getting worn down by now.
• July 31  
• Call to get service on noisy air compressor unit.
• Gene has appointment for his glasses
• August 2
• Tech comes and replaces a capacitor.
• Have friends over for dinner and dominoes
• August 3-8 work on unloading the trailer of treasures
• Realize misunderstanding on when we are needed in RR to care for GKs.
• Needed by 10th
• Resolved to be there 14th. 
• August 9
• Gene has INR and glasses appointments
• Air conditioner unit quits working completely
• Call for repair and scheduled for between 2 - 5 that day
• Call previously invited dinner guests and tell to wear shorts
• Enjoy dinner as a cool front passes through
• Serviceman never shows
• August 10 
• Call main office of Insurance Repair and note issues and no show.
• Still no service man comes to work on unit
• Time running out as another open house is scheduled on Aug 18 and we must leave on Tuesday.
• August 12
• Tech finally shows
• Declares unit dead as the compressor is burned out
• We are packed to leave early on Tuesday
• August 13
• Drive to Texas with oil pressure gauge showing top pressure
• Stop in Denton and visit with Mom for a couple of hours
• Grab dinner on the way to overnight at Sissy's
• August 14
• Drive back to Denton and pick up Mom in Sissy's car
• Drive to Lewisville and pick up Aunt Opal
• Have brunch at nearby restaurant
• Return Aunt Opal
• Return Mom (30 min. drive each way)
• Leave Sissy's car
• 1:00 PM leave Denton for RR
• 4:00 hit rainstorm and must pull onto side road.
• 4:30 back on road to RR
• Arrive 6:00 for dinner with friends and family
• August 15 - 23
• Dinners with JR's friends to celebrate his birthday
• Supervise GK's so they do not draw blood
• Refinish one desk
• Refinish one shelf
• Transport GK's to and from different functions
• Field calls in re 
• air conditioner repair
• ADT authorizes full replacement
• Local group is saying just repair
• 5 days to get all on same page
• low ball offer on house
• Watch performances
• Magic/acrobatic feats by Middle
• Wizard of Oz production Youngest
• Three soccer games by Oldest in Houston
• Visit and drive by potential location for Edna and home of us
• August 27 head out for Sissy's one more time
• Receive word in route my Mom is in hospital with chest pains
• Change destination to hospital where Gene drops me and heads to rest at Sissy's
• Arrive in time to help Sissy take Mom back to assisted living
• Not heart
• Possibly indigestion
• Visit Mom a little
• Head to Sissy's, pick up Gene and off to Laney's
• August 28 leave Sissy's
• Stop in Denton for one more Mom visit
• Leave Denton and Jeep oil gauge shows no oil pressure then tops out
• Pull over in Gainsville at Jeep dealership
• Need an appointment
• Nice enough for quick check
• Probably a faulty sensor
• Arrive home 9:30 PM in a state of extreme tension and tiredness
• August 29
• Gene has doctor appointment at 10
• Comes home and we do very little other than what is necessary that day
• Cancel Uverse TV and Phone service
• August 30
• Watch as much TV as possible while we have it )
• Put luggage away finally after all the trips
• Start laundry
• August 31
• Order NetTalk unit
• Research TV antenna
• Sept 1
• Weed back yard
• Volunteer in nursery at church
• Buy groceries
• Do more of nothing
• Sept 2
• Labor Day and we are still not doing much
• Thinking about mowing
• Sept 3 
• Get phone going
• Mow yard
• More rest
• Sept 4 Gene's birthday is slow and celebrated at ReRico Brazilian
• Sept 6 
• Work UMW pie dough project
• Shop a little
• Sept 7
• Some cleaning
• Some cooking
• More of nothing
• Sept 8
• Church service & nursery for me
• Media board for Gene
• Logans for lunch
• More of nothing

I think the biggest project we have before us is financial at this time.  Resolving wants, needs and the future.

7/7/13  Sometimes one statement is not enough.  Today is one of those days.  CBS Sunday Morning seems to inspire me.  Today is the anniversary of sliced bread in a commercial setting.  Chillicothe, MO, was the sight of this revolution.  Another story of a top notch cameraman from Iraq that immigrated to the US to avoid the danger of the US led revolution in that nation.  It is hard not to tear up over the plight of his being a janitor with his college education and credentials.  So many immigrants from other nations, doctors, lawyers, professionals of all sorts that give it all up to have freedom and safety.  May we not fail them.  May we not make our nation a nation of hate, fear and danger.

7/5/13  I have been wondering what is needed to get the house sold.  Take down wall paper, paint, rip out plants, plant grass, tear out grass, jump through hoops.  I am finding it difficult to just be sitting, waiting, pondering what next.  And not being able to find things is a real pain.  Now that the 'housing market is improving' it seems everyone has put homes up for sale.  And why do I want to move to a place that had consistently 100 degrees for the next 2 months?  I have lost my mind.

I do not do well without direction, goals, lists where I can mark off completed tasks.  But I am finding this waiting for things beyond my control to be a little maddening.  People are saying goodbye and the house has not sold.  I have one foot on the ground and the other just dangling somewhere in a nether world.  There was such frenzied activity for so many weeks, months with trips, events, health issues and house prep that the now feels more like a void than life.

Today Gene repaired all the accent lighting in the back yard.  We can watch the water spill over the rock we recently installed during the repairs.  It is lovely.  The accent light shining up through the dogwood showing the curves of the limbs against the dark is soothing.  With the wall fountain long gone to another home, the accent light now shines on a container of flowers.  We discussed changing the lighting then look at each other wondering why.  No one views homes at night to appreciate those types of features.

And so I come full circle back to the waiting.  An old lady in waiting.....  So just maybe it is time to say to heck with the putting life on hold.  I'll finish a few more of the outdoor projects we wanted to do this summer then pull out the sewing machine.  I have material to use and a rear that needs some new coverings!


4/11/13  Still thinking about the song I think needs to be written.
They sing of love, lust and all things unknown.
Life is exciting when you are young and life is new.
We think when we are young only others grow old.
That if we get there we'll be living in gold.

Well, kiddos, I am here and there's a whole lot to share.
There are still joys and sorrows and plenty of laughter.
When I was young we joked about friends not being all there.
It is the reality now.  Fewer boobs, new hips, shoulders and knees.

I laugh with the thought of those too early alarms
when I just roll over and ignore the sun.
Most days my pace can be so slow a snail sails past me.
So I do not want to be young again I just want to enjoy my now.



Hmmm.  Still experimenting.  Thinking about how to improve the overall look of the blog.