May 20, 2020

This post is being written a few days before the actual surgery day.  I have never been a person to be anxious about events, surgeries or things of that type.  Now driving down the road between a bunch of semi trucks will cause high anxiety if I am not careful.  But even being in charge of an event, giving speeches before large groups, nope no anxiety.  Probably because I am not a worrier by nature.  I rest in the arms of the Creator believing the best is what will be the outcome.  But ....

For some reason I am terribly anxious about this upcoming surgery.  Maybe it is because it has hit so many delays.  Delays like vacations.  Three different doctors were on vacations in December, January and March.  Those vacations delayed visits that allowed me to move to the next step in the process.  Delay like a family emergency.  The first surgeon had a family emergency that delayed the February visit until sometime in April.  I finally decided to change surgeons in late February.  The second  surgeon went on a week vacation with his children during spring break.  Delay by a world wide pandemic.  Yes, before I could even see the second surgeon Covid lockdowns became the rule.

In addition to the delays the symptoms of the acid reflux have continued to worsen.  Even with the asthma treatments, double doses of PPR, my breathing is again accompanied by wheezing.  My laryngitis gets worse each day.  Usually I could speak in the mornings loudly enough that hubby could hear me from his chair.  Today I am using hand signals to tell him something.  Or texts.  Yes, I fear that something else will delay the surgery.  Or that the surgery will not correct the problem.  Or I will die.

Dying without being able to tell the people I love how much they mean to me.  Dying without hugging my son, my DIL, my grandkids, my sisters, my friends one more time.  Dying too soon.  I am not fearful of death itself, just not getting to say good bye.

I spoke to my three sisters in private about the anxiety today.  They as usual helped me with encouraging words.  They, too, prior to certain surgeries had felt anxious.  Youngest suggested I write a letter to my family telling them how I feel about them.  Leave it with someone with instructions to destroy if I live.  Send it if I die.

So this post is for all my blogger friends.  You each one over the course of the last 8 years have added such joy to my life.  You have allowed me to 'see' places around this magnificent globe.  You have challenged my thoughts.  You have made me laugh, cry and dream.  From YAM in Scotland to Wren wherever she lights!  From Furry Gnome and Cheryl-Lynn in Canada to Chevrefeuille and Mara in The Netherlands and Georgia in Italy.  Lord only knows where Hamish the Forest Bather is today.  Jen, Ginny (Lemon Drop Pie), Ada, Magical Mystical Teacher, Retirement pastels, Gretchen (Second Blooming) folks on all the different photo and writing memes have all helped me and others in this life journey.  Each adding their individual puzzle piece to this glorious universe.  Thank you and keep up all that good work.

The surgery has a 99% success rate.  Or at least that is what I choose to believe.  The blogsphere? Those I chose to pal around with are 100% wonderful.

Peace, love and continued good health during this pandemic.
Janice